Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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