Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
