I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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