I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Couch. On fire.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
