how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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