So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
