I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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