somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
