I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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