I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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