as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
