Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
