My hand turned me down
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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