Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
