I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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