His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
