you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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