You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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