I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
