Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
why do cheetos always look like penises
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
