The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
