I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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