I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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