I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
