I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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