Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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