so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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