last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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