This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
