In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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