...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
