I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
