see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
