so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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