All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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