That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
pop tarts are not kleenex
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
