nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You ruined the universe
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
