i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She's the barista slut.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
