"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
