So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
