batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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