he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
