if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize