I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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