you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
