Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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