This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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