Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
