ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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