Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
