Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
